I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
