Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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