oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
