nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
