I got chris browned last night
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
It's just like the Real World with babies
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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