Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
