I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
