Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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