It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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