I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
