just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
