Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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