you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
