i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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