Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
