My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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