Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
