i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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