so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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