So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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