it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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