Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
