There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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