the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
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