ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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