Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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