I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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