It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
