A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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