Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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