Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize