Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
