All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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