walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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