I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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