I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
