I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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