dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
