You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
