what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
