U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
