at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
