I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You've changed since you got that strap on
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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