someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Randomize