I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
