Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
