I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
