Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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