Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize