my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
