The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
