You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
