At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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