I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
